Glennon Doyle, in her bestselling book Untamed, examines her negative emotional reaction to a 12-year old girl who walked with her head held high and with a bit of swagger. It made me think, why is it that strong confident women bother us?
I sat with my feelings and I realized: The knee-jerk reaction I’m having to this girl is a direct result of my training. As a woman, I have been conditioned to mistrust and dislike strong, confident, happy girls and women. We all have. Studies prove that the more powerful, successful, and happy a man becomes, the more people trust and like him. But the more powerful and happy a woman becomes, the less people like and trust her. So we proclaim: Women are entitled to take their rightful place! Then, when a strong woman does take her rightful place and is successful, our first reaction is: She’s so…entitled. We become people who say of confident women, “I don’t know, I can’t explain it–it’s just something about her. I just don’t like her. I can’t put my finger on why.”
Women and our Culture
I can put my finger on why: It’s because our training is kicking in through our subconscious. Strong, happy, confident girls and women are breaking our culture’s implicit rule that girls should be self-doubting, reserved, timid and apologetic. Girls who are bold enough to break those rules irk us. Their brazen defiance and refusal to follow directions make us want to put them back into their cage.
Girls and women sense this. As women, we want to be liked. We want to be trusted. So, we downplay our strengths to avoid threatening anyone and invoking distain. We neglect to mention our accomplishments. We do not accept compliments. We temper, qualify, and discount our opinions. We walk without swagger, and we yield incessantly. We step out of the way. Women often say, “I feel like” instead of “I know.” We ask if our ideas make sense instead of assuming they do. We apologize for…everything. Conversations among brilliant women often devolve into competitions for who wins the trophy for hottest mess. We want to be respected, but we want to be loved and accepted even more.
Breaking the Cycle of Self-Doubt
Well, that hit home. What to do with this? As Maya Angelou said, when you know better, you do better. We can do better by our friends, sisters, daughters and selves. Tomorrow’s leaders are busy building true confidence, strength and self awareness. If we break the chain described above, powerful women won’t have to choose between the future their skills could bring and being loved and accepted.
So how do we takes steps to improves our own confidence and self-esteem, so we can be the woman that does not apologize for opinions or our accomplishments? How to become the powerful woman that is not bothered or threatened by other confident women?
5 Ways to Improve Self Esteem
Use positive affirmations
Positive affirmations are a method of practicing “you are what you think about yourself.” The idea is you fill your mind with positive thoughts until you start to believe them. Positive self-talk can really help you get out of a rut or overcome stressful situations.
Identify your competencies and develop them
Self-esteem grows when we demonstrate real ability and achievements in the areas of our lives that matter to us. No one is good at everything, but everyone is good at something. Focus on your skills, abilities or traits that make you special and unique.
Learn to accept compliments
Women tend to be resistant to compliments in most situations, but are very resistant when their self-esteem and confidence is low. Instead of shrugging off compliments as flattery or exaggeration, women should work on the goal of tolerating compliments and not blowing them off. Even if you feel uncomfortable — which is very normal — it’ll be worth it in the long run.
Eliminate self-criticism and introduce self-compassion
When our self-esteem is low, we tend to damage it even further by being self-critical. Women tend to beat themselves up when they are down, instead of trying to build themselves up. When you notice yourself being hard on yourself, take time to pause and focus on the positive.
Affirm your real worth
Make a list of qualities you have that are meaningful in the specific context. What do your friends like about you? What does your partner or family appreciate about you? And most importantly, what do you like about yourself? Focus on the qualities that you bring to the small and big moments in life and celebrate them!
For more about Glennon Doyle and Untamed go to her website or instagram or podcast.
by Carrie Mapes
